Adventures in Gondor
by Loki du Monte
Summary: Slash abounds. LegolasAragorn, EowynArwen. Read at your own risk, fool.


Aragorn sat, waiting patiently, as Legolas fussed and twittered and brushed and combed his scruffy, filthy, _sweaty_ hair. Now that the Kind had Returned, there was little for him to really do anymore. After all, being a king, Aragorn had boatloads of people perfectly willing to lead Gondor themselves. Why not let them have a bit of fun, eh? At any rate, he and Legolas rarely ever got time alone like this, as Arwen was constantly hanging on him like a petulant child/particularly stubborn mussel. So, it was best to just let the elf have his persnickety way with his hair. Among...other things...

Suddenly, Frodo burst out into the garden, his chest heaving and his childish eyes bulging. In other words, everything was completely normal. Then he started shrieking, but again, nothing seemed to be out of order. His words were incoherent, but that was hardly unusual. His pants were –-

"TROLL! IN THE DUNGEONS!1 TRO-OLLL!1111"

Well, _that_ was rather odd. Especially since – oh wait, this castle/city/thing _did_ have some dungeons. Somewhere. No one was really sure where, and certainly no one really had ever bothered to look. What was the point? All the bad and evul peoples had moved to places with more affordable housing to suit the low incomes they made from pillaging and murdering. At any rate, Frodo wasn't usually inclined to lie, so Aragorn and Legolas were inclined to believe him.

That isn't to say that they actually went to have a look-see. Aragorn snapped his fingers, although, finding he actually couldn't, he whistled. But he couldn't really do that, either, so instead he had Legolas send an arrow with a message about the troll through a window. Most unfortunately, however, the arrow, rather than clattering harmlessly onto the floor, instead hit a passing guard in the groin, so that he was forced to double over in pain, and lie whimpering on the floor, where he was left for hours, being the only guard who actually patrols that small, curved corridor.

But the unimportant guard's pain was entirely lost on the three people outside, one of whom was still shrieking emphatically. Aragorn waved his hand carelessly, a look of irritation on his face, and Legolas hit Frodo in the hand with an arrow, waving him off. Frodo failed to take the clearly-stated hints, and stood there blinking at them, and now shrieking from pain. Having no other choice, Legolas grabbed what he presumed to be a rather sassy little hobbit by the scruff of the neck, and booted him over the wall, where he was instantly caught by a passing Nazghul.

Aragorn was somewhat horrified by this, mostly because Frodo was actually quite well-respected for a hobbit, and if people realized he was missing, Aragorn's cushy lifestyle would be down the drain.

"Well luv, we could just show them THIS." Legolas whipped out!

–- a Frodo doll. They were actually all the rage just now, because they were exact but soft, pillowy replicas of the hobbit.

Aragorn gasped, and swooped on Legolas, planting a kiss of fiery passion on the elf's pale lips.

Just then, Arwen popped out through the door, and happened to witness it.

"Aragorn," she said, showing absolutely no emotion whatsoever(as always). She didn't say anything else, because Arwen was never the sort to actually _think_ and _speak_. She always just...showed up, said some monosyllabic words, and left. But, Aragorn being Aragorn, he was frightened.

"No, Arwen, it's not what you think! I — uh, that...duh...Legolas had something in his mouth, so I was just trying to get it out with my tongue!"

"Oh, ok —."

"No, Aragorn, I will not hide the truth any longer!" and Legolas ripped off his clothes, revealing...well, everything, durr. "I. Legolas Greenleaf. Am in love with. ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN SON OF ARAHORN SON OF ARADORN SON OF ARMALORN SON OF ARMAGREN SON OF ARMAGEDN SON OF ARMAGEDDON!111"

Arwen stared, her mind slow(like usual). Aragorn, meanwhile, was standing with his face in one hand, the other hand supporting the elbow of the arm of the hand supporting his atrociously rugged face, having just previously gotten over his look of immense shock. His face had fallen down, and thus the hand, which had risen in its self-appointed duty to catch the face before it fell too far. Such a noble hand.

Anyway, Arwen immediately pounced on Aragorn with a branding iron in order to label him hers, much like cowboys labeled their livestock back in some foreign world. Her face was blank. Seriously, no surprise there.

When who should come bounding out but Eowyn from behind a tree, where she had been so cleverly hiding, so deep in her sweet thoughts of love that she had not heard what was going on. She had not jumped out because of what was going on, therefore, but really because she had decided to jump out and yell her confession, come hell or high water. Of course, she, being so full of love, was incapable of thinking clearly about the scene before her, namely, that Arwen was straddling Aragorn in an attempt to rip off his pants so as to brand him, while Legolas, armed with his own branding iron, was straddling the other end of Aragorn, also in an attempt to rip off his pants so as to brand him first. Thus were the two elves scuffling and bitch-slapping each other, all while the human man lay uncomfortably on the sweet grass, struggling to get away, but being continually knocked upside the head as his assailants battled fiercely over the right to claim his buttocks for their property/personal uses.

Thus was the scene that innocent Eowyn stumbled on. It was hardly the right time for confessing, but she was going to do it anyway. And since nobody had noticed she was there yet, she had the element of surprise on her side.

So Arwen was very shocked when Legolas and Aragorn got pulled from her and thrown ten feet away, and that weird, blondish hippie she had seen nancing around with that weird pony of a man Faramir, popped into view. The elf lady vaguely recalled the hippie's name being something funny, like Eowyn. Damn hippies.

"Arwen, I have a confession to make," said the sweet, naive, golden-haired young human lady.

"What?" Although Arwen sounded more clueless than curious.

"I LOVE YOU!1"

"I love you too, sugar-muffin!" Lo and behold, speak of the pretty devil, Faramir jumped out of the very tree Eowyn had been previously hiding behind. But he had been sleeping until Eowyn shouted, so he had no idea what was actually going on. Perhaps that was a good thing. But then Arwen muttered something, and pretty Faramir turned into a ferret, and started bouncing up and down.

Hearing a noise, the two women turned their heads, and saw Aragorn and Legolas making like rabbits. The ladies shrugged indifferently. Ah well, perhaps next time.


End file.
